Relearning empathy

Have you ever felt, like you were not seen as a person, but merely like a body. Like you're a bottle and someone watches the way your glass shines, or reads your label  and admires your bottle neck, without realising that the shine is only one of many little parts and pieces of what makes a person a person.

They don't care what you pour into this world, what you bleed, what you are made of. And people like being admired, thats to say. But people should be able to learn and to feel with tears in their eyes, what it means loved, not just for parts, but for their whole. Not just loved for how the sparkle looks in their eyes, but what is the reason and the feeling and the memories behind the sparkles.

I think sometimes through my life, I have looked at myself like a body, like a bottle too. Not that i meant to, it has just happend, through the culture thats etched its way into my blood, and tried to carve its way into my bones. But at least I saw it, and questioned it. And learnt that much of whay it says is not true at all, just a well distributed thought, only an interpretation.

I am relearning, despite the culture, that I am a living breathing creature. A being that upholds its every cell at every moment. Something that grows and heals, and gives me a space in this world. My body is kind, it was never mean, it helps and cares for me, although i have not always cared for it. And for that my body deserves a genuine, kind thank you. It was never mean, it was never angry, it only told me what it needed to tell me. And it desveres to be listened to. And just like my psyche, it never meant to be mean, it just tried to protect me.

 I am learning, that all parts of me, deserve empathy.

I want a bed like the aftermath of tears

I want a bed like the aftermath of tears. I want the soft sheets to feel silky like dripping noses and red cheeks, but just dried up, and clean and pure and all better. Like everything evil has vanished with the warmth of salt. I want a bed like hugs from a loved one, someone who tells you its all gonna be okay. I curl up and hug myself. I hope, I hope its all gonna be okay.

I want a smile like the bridge of a light thats gone out for you, but you hold it alive for me. And i will again light it and show it to you. And its all better, and it'll be all better until its all better. And you wake up and love is a green world with life. That makes you think you'll live a good life.

Norsk:

Jeg vil krype opp i en seng etterlatt av tåredrypp og perler, en dyne mykere enn en dryppende rød nese, og trette sammenklistrede øyne. Jeg ønsker verden tørket bort av myke varsomme fingre. Som en sakte pustende lunge. 

The bus

And latey the buildings seem taller, or maybe I have just become smaller. I dont know, i guess all these movies actually make me feel like we are all together trough experience, holding hands trough the loneliness, confusion, boredom. And I guess its that realization that I am a human in a space, when I sit at a cafe there is a busteling city outside, and there is an ocean not far away. And beyond are the mountains covered thick with trees and snow and with moss, and pine needles and mushrooms in autumn. And over that very forest floor with summer berries and water streams there is a sky full of stars, and there are always stars behind that blue of day, and we are quite small but quite meaningful and we see colours and dance to sound and can care and love and feel.

And thats very beautiful, and i would say thats not small at all.

Others expectations

I think i have always been vary of the expectations of those around me. My parents, their friends, my uncles and aunts. And most of the people of the adult world. And I think I let their thoughts, their uncoloured images of the world, their wants and whishes, i think I let it all seep into my skin. Where to this day, it has layered and hardened. 

And i realised that all my life, i had cared too much what others thought of me. And I thought maybe, i had never been a person at all. 

And what a weight it has been on my bones, to live this way.

And I thought that, maybe then, all I can do, is to build myself up. To build a person, where there has never been one. To let go of all I thought i knew, and to start again. And that is an immensly scary, immensly freeing feeling. Like looking at an endless ocean, wondering if you will ever find land, solid earth, and how that earth would be. 

I think as a child, maybe then i had known small bits and pieces, small couloured patches of what it had meant to be me. But I must have lost it along this long and compicated road. Such a sad thing. But then again I thought, better to have found it now, then to never have found it at all. This is one of many roads.